Conflict Resolution

I FEEL:  (felt) - start with the "soft feelings" (the ones which precede anger) and finish with the anger (frustration, resentment) if it is there.  (To do this well, it helps to know the difference between thoughts and feelings)

I UNDERSTAND THAT:  has 2 potential parts:
 - trying to put yourself in the other person's shoes as if you were their lawyer.
 - acknowledging what baggage you might be bringing to the situation

BUT WHAT I NEED IS: - If possible, try to put this in behavioral terms, telling them what you need, instead of what they have given you.  Be specific.  Consider telling them both the least you need and what would be ideal.

THE LAST SEGMENT IS OPTIONAL

IF THIS DOES NOT CHANGE THEN:  this can be done in 2 ways:
- the natural consequences that will be the outcome if things don't change or
-the consequences you will impose if things don't change.
 

Example

When you come home and don't say hello to me I feel ignored, hurt, unimportant, alone and then I get pissed off.  I understand that you probably don't mean to hurt me, that you come from a family where people didn't greet each other.  I know that I am pretty sensitive to this issue.  What I'd really like is if you would stop and really connect with me for a minute, but I need at least for you to say hello.  If this does not change you'll probably find me a bit surly and withdrawn (natural) OR If this does not change then I think I'm going to just stop making the meals around here.

Hint -  if you want to soften the process, you can start with the "I understand that" segment.

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