Strategies For Feeling Safe

by Geo

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The first is that each of us is ultimately responsible for keeping ourselves safe. To do this it is best to plan ahead and have some strategies that help cultivate a sense of safety within you. It is also important to have a game plan for when you need to reach out for assistance in staying safe. This does not take the responsibility away from you but shows that you are being responsible for your own safety by getting assistance when needed.

Next, it is important not to allow feelings of being unsafe to escalate. The sense of being unsafe increases the adrenalin in your system. This mimics the adrenalin that was present in abuse situations. It is common for abuse survivors and people in general to gravitate toward the familiar. So we sometimes find ourselves moving further into the feelings of danger because it is familiar. Once we know that intellectually, we are better able to resist the urge to head to the familiar and more able to cultivate a sense of safety.

Strategies to help us feel safe are going to vary widely from person to person. Wrapping a blanket around me helps me to feel held and safe. For another person that may feel too confining and not safe at all. It is good to experiment with several ideas and see what works for you. You can then develop a list of strategies to try when those feelings of danger arise.

This is my list of strategies for when I’m feeling unsafe:

1. Breathe…breathing clears my head and helps me to get grounded

2. Write…sometimes it helps to find the cause of my feeling unsafe

3. Shut windows and blinds building a cocoon sense in my house

4. Go for a drive

5. Wrap myself in a blanket and camp on the couch

6. Put in a specially chosen video for these times to distract…mine is “Jumping Jack Flash” with Whoopi Goldberg. I’m a big Whoopi fan.

7. Light candles that have a “safe” aroma

8. Focus on playing with my cat and say reassuring things to her aloud

9. Use my meds

10. Call my therapist

There are different levels of feeling unsafe and what you use on your list will be determined by the intensity of the unsafe feelings. For example, if you feel you may harm yourself, calling your therapist might be at the head of your list.

I have asked a few other members of Treehouse to share their lists and this is what they had to say.

Dixie/UK writes:

Things I do to help me feel safe...

1. Stop and Think - Tell myself (or get my T to tell me if I can't believe for myself that I'm safe/good enough to allow for any possibility of being anything other than bad or mad) "It is not 1987, it's 2003", “Mr. Z is not Mr. P." If I can think of any then start saying out loud some of the differences between then and now - or my T will do it for me.

2. Reach Out.  Write a friend and listen to their take on things.

3. Labeling - good for triggering moments - saying out loud the things I see in the room - "picture" "chair" etc or even to myself if in company

4. Cuddle the dog (if no witnesses except the cat)

5. Free Write - Often I realize I was feeling something I was not conscious of - then I feel safer in that “aha” moment.

6. Write letters i will never send saying how I feel.

7. Avoid!!!!  If things are feeling not safe, why add more stressors.

8. Confront!!!  Yep, when avoidance looks set to win, I am prepared to 'face out' that trigger/fear - and when I have done man it feels so good and empowering

9.  Small Steps - celebrate each step that's not backwards, even if it means I stopped still but didn't run away.

10. Review - look back at how the journey's gone even if now feels like shite

11. Get Physical - get busy, distracted - dig the garden, clean the house - take the dog for a walk - work out physically to get the chemistry releasing those happy chemicals and to stop the stress chemicals kicking around with nothing to flush them out

12. Make a Safe Place- ensure I have control e.g. only key, favorite things, no reminders of family

13. Write Down Fleeting Words/memories - get the out of circling in my head when starting to remember things

14. Humour/Imagery - e.g. the gator pit and related travel deals for abusers to journey on safari to (become) dinner in the gator pit

15. Imagery - Forget Logic - Metaphor Will Do Just Nicely to Process Without Getting Deep Into The Stuff - e.g. trying to resolve splitting bad and good dad, put the two sets of experience (like two bags of coffee) into the coffee filter.... leave it to drip slowly (tolerably/safely) into a container beneath, smelling the 'safe' smell of fresh coffee as it progresses... remove the crap caught by the filter, knowing that what's filtered through to be kept is safe and won't hurt... then 'drink' the coffee.... Somehow this kind of thing helps (I don't know what blended together, only that it works)

16. Magical Imagery/ Got To Safe Place In Mind - e.g. concept of the wishing chair .... suddenly transported to an empty room (devoid of stressors) in good natural daylight, empty, just nice n comfortable temperature... empty mind of stress.... notice breathing... feel the stress leaving... notice the grey carpet changing, wrinkling up into bright colours.. feel the sharp prod of the tin-opener... look down and see the tin-opener and his friend the stroppy chocolate pot beside me and hold tight but knowing we're all safe as the magic carpet rises out of the open window and we fly across the warm, sunny sky to the Dixie Diner where all our friends are... and in where there is the lift to the music room... the ultimate safe place

17. Sleep Inducing Tape

18. Sleep With TV On (On safe program) - So my unconscious can't have much chance of wreaking scary havoc in dreams

NTJ/USA writes:

1. Come to chat

2. Call a friend or go fishing

3. Go for a walk to clear my head

4. Talk about what I feel and why I feel it

5. Write to process the world

6. Read

7. Watch a cool movie like “Forest Gump”.

8. Call therapist and ask for a session

9. Exercise

10. Eat chocolate

11. Go for a drive

12. Sit on the beach and feel the enormity of the world…helps me see my place in the world

13. Turn off TV…Get away from headlines

14. Look at pictures

15. Walk in the woods - catch frogs and toads - pick flowers

16. I do whatever I can to remember I am an adult and can take care of myself

17. Figure out what is making me feel unsafe and stop it…like the war and the headlines and the news. I have to shut it off and create my own little world in my own little apartment and be at peace with my own little life. Things that are way big and way out of my control creates a sense of powerlessness within me. So I get back to what I do know I control.

The final list was compiled in a group effort. Traveller/New Zealand, Ruby/USA, and Littlegirllost/USA write:

1. Light candles, turn on music, and light the fireplace

2. Use body oils

3. Light candles and take a warm bath

4. Write a letter to yourself telling yourself the positives about you

5. Crawl under the covers

6. Bake cookies

7. If cold - snuggle with a heating pad

8. Leave a message on therapist’s answer phone

9. Wear favorite pajamas

10. Get a massage

11. Do lots and lots of reading

12. Go outside and feel the air/weather

13. Cuddle with a stuffed animal

14. Smash an old crockery set

15. Punch a kid’s punching bag

16. Use finger paints to draw

As you can see, there are many different ways to cultivate a sense of safety. One common theme is exercise. Exercise has been proven to reduce stress and increase the release of endorphins. These endorphins increase your overall feeling of well-being.

It is important to experiment and see what works for you. Whether you keep a mental list or jot one down, having a menu of things to do will help you when you get in those tough spots.